Monday, January 7, 2013
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
UFOs ARE REAL
(A Bark of LARCH)
BOOK: Alfred C. Loedding &
The Great Flying Saucer Wave Of 1947, by Wendy Connors and Mike Hall. www.nicap.org “free internet books”. Wendy
Connors investigated Project Sign for 30 years. She used “Freedom of
Information Act” to obtain declassified documents from National Achieves, the
Air Force, FBI and video interviewed several people including me. They found no
medical records, no credit history- the FBI said they had no records on Dad- he
didn’t exist. But I have his Social Security card, pilot’s license and birth
certificate (mine too with his name). It is thought his records were
transferred from the FBI to the new CIA in 1948. When I requested Senator Sam
Nunn for help with The National Achieves for information on Project Sign, they
sent me documents with black ink on all data.
After
the book was published in December, 1998, all sources of information suddenly
dried up- none of the government agencies will now cooperate. Wendy had death
threats over the phone to stop her research, her phones bugged, the phone
company de-bugged them but 3 days later bugged again, she’s been followed and
her house has been under surveillance. When she called me in Colorado for
interviews, she would not be specific except to say she would arrive on a
certain date at my Colorado ranch. Two days before she arrived, I saw two blue
vans down the hill in front of my ranch on the half mile dirt road, which I
suspected to be from Peterson Air Force base in Colorado Springs 70 miles away,
which meant they had both our phones tapped. Wendy and Mike Hall also wrote,
“Captain Edward J. Ruppett Summer of the Saucers- 1952”, 2000. (Project Blue
Book). Also, “UFOs: A Century of Sightings”, by Mike Hall.
Who
Was Alfred Loedding:
Graduated from the Daniel Guggenheim
School of Aeronautics at New York University in 1930 with a degree in
Mechanical Engineering and Aeronautical Engineering. Received the Guggenheim
Award for original work on slotted wings. Worked with the War Department in the
Brooklyn Navy Yards. In 1937 he was Chief of Stress Analysis for Bellanca
Aircraft Company (Cruise Master) in Delaware. In 1938 he came to
Wright-Patterson AFB. He was the first civilian director of the Jet Propulsion
Lab. 1947-1949 Civilian Liaison Officer for the T-2 Intelligence Division of
the Air Material Command. In 1947 he instigated Project Sign, the first
official Air Force project to investigate UFOs in July, 1947, caused by radar
sightings in Japan, June, 1947, and authored the Estimate of the Situation
which concluded that there was a high possibility that UFOs were of extraterrestrial
origin. He filed 17 aeronautical patents including flying wing types, and
designed the refueling hose wings to stabilize it preventing aircraft crashes.
He received $200 bonus. Another patent on an ellipsoid airplane in 1948. He was
a friend of rocket pioneer Dr. Robert Goddard and worked with Werner Von Braun
(who he said was not a good engineer but a great administrator). Dad invited
one of the German rocket scientists, who were rescued in Operation Paper Clip
before the Russians, for dinner one night. He spoke English as we could not
speak German. When General Hoyt Vandenberg, Secretary of the Air Force and also
Director of Central Intelligence, reviewed the Estimate of the Situation in
1949, he ordered all copies destroyed and assigned a new T-2 Chief to get rid
of about six people on Project Sign by 1950. In 1951 Alfred Loedding became the
Director of Jet Research at Unexcelled Chemical Corporation in Cranbury, New
Jersey, which made 500 pound napalm bomb s (I worked there in the summer of
1953 in the carpenter’s group making oak platforms to store them on) shipped in
“Hop Along Cassidy” cookie trucks (the government didn’t like the regulations
for hazardous material shipments), magnesium flares and fireworks. General
Vandenberg died in 1954; Alfred Loedding was back at Wright-Pat in 1955. In
1960 he was Civilian Liaison Officer with the Air Force and NASA at Langley Air
Force Base near Williamsburg. He never again mentioned UFOs.
Government
cover-ups to replace Project Sign were Project Grudge, and Project Bluebook to
belittle all sightings as atmospheric phenomena.
SLIDES:
Dad’s presentation to groups to show configuration changes from 1898 in
parachutes, gliders and planes to delta, flying wing and circular shapes- low
aspect ratio.
Sightings
have been seen around the world in Britain, France, Russia, Chile, and Peru.
Markings on high plateaus in Peru only seen from the air are strange. Ancient
drawings in Egypt and elsewhere depict people with space type helmets. In 1947
and I948 Alfred Loedding interviewed witnesses around the country on sightings,
landing scenes, radios in cars and planes not working, car’s motors stopping,
magnetic fields. He had reliable civilian and military pilots, and state
police. He told me about landing sites where the grass was burned with a strong
sulfur smell. One night he and I saw two red lights traveling very fast in the
sky making 90 degree turns without side slippage. He said that was amazing, no
aircraft can do that. He said the UFOs and their occupants could be insects. In
the Trenton Sunday Times October 10, 1954, he talks about his saucer like
design which I saw models fly with rocket and gasoline propeller motors. He
stated “man has much to learn about UFOs and from them”. “Some of them might be
space ships, I suspect that they may be a kind of space animal, a form of life
protected by rays which we know nothing of and obtaining fuel from space in way
that we do not comprehend”. He never mentioned crashes at Roswell, nor in the
files of Bluebook or Sign. Although when his brother Fred visited him at
Wright-Pat and asked about entry into a hangar, Dad said it was off limits to
him.
How
would news of space invaders affect the public- or the military? UFO belief
might destabilize the orderly function of government. John Keel says the
“Estimate of the Situation” was a factor in the demise of America’s Secretary
of Defense, James Forrestal. He read the document and it blew his mind.
Forrestal was placed in a mental hospital after running down the halls of the
Pentagon shouting, “We’re being invaded and we can’t stop them!” He was found dead
hanging out a window, bed sheets tied around his neck.
Dad
stated in the August 26, 1960, “Air Scoop” at Langley Research Center that
studies in the field of gravity and the electro-magnetic field may lead to the
UFOs propulsion system which set up electronic fields about a body that will
give it a repelling or attracting force relative to a suspended system of
forces that exists throughout space. Einstein’s Unified Field Theory deals on
those relationships. Many sightings state a pulsating, rotating blue ring
around the UFOs like an armature in a generator/alternator creating electrical
energy. A basic source of energy is the atom itself with the electrons spinning
around the nucleus creating a magnetic field.
Although
UFOs have been sighted for years, the two atom bombs detonated over Japan in
August, 1945, and the test bomb in Nevada in that spring, might have caused
concerns to the aliens about the earth idiots, and it took them two years
travel to investigate resulting in the 1947 wave of sightings. Since then above
ground nuclear tests by Russia with one in 1949 and two in 1951, and US with
three in 1948 and 16 in 1951 brought a wave of UFOs in 1952 per Project Blue
Book.
Since
1960 airline pilots and military pilots are forbidden to mention UFO sightings.
However, folks around the world report them all the time. Even the Emissary of
the Vatican two years ago admitted that life is possible on another planet.
Astrophysicists now have found over 50 planets similar to earth. We are not
alone. Missionaries start your motors. “Beam me up, Scotty, keep the beer on
ice”.
Copyright @June, 2011
Donald R. Loedding “LARCH”
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Cucumber Up
CUCUMBER UP
(A Bark of Larch)
It was a lazy fall day in 2003 and I decided I wanted a salad. So I went to the Frogtown Grocery Store in Cumming, Georgia, a redneck North Georgia community now overrun with yuppie flat landers. At least rednecks drink real beer, not light beer or white wine. The Frogtown Produce Department always had a fresh selection of greens. I wanted a cucumber firm and crisp for my salad. I was wearing my bib overalls like the good old boys. When I weighed my cucumber on the overhead scale and tried to slip it in the plastic bag, it fell into the top of my overalls and slid between my legs. It was large and firm but I couldn’t extract it with the females in the area without causing quite a scene. As I walked, it caused quite a protrusion adding to my discomfit and embarrassment. Other female shoppers thought I was a Minister, a member of the cloth, as they lowered their eyes when they saw me. Respect, I guess.
When I lined up at the check out station. I had to stand back from the customers in front of me due to the protruding cucumber. A crowd of female shoppers gathered, smiling knowingly, as if to witness my arrest for stealing. As the clerk scanned my other goods, I told her I had a large cucumber in my overalls but I was embarrassed to pull it out. I said I was going to put it in my salad. Blushing, she said it was okay and said I could arrange payment later. She said she would love to have it in her salad. Then she handed me a piece of paper with her name, phone number, and address and said to meet her at 5 P.M. after she got off work. Mighty fine, them Frogtown people. That’s only a half hour from now, so I’ll just wait in the parking lot. With all the shoppers milling around, I couldn’t remove the cucumber. Getting into my car was a problem as the cucumber and the steering wheel had a disagreement. As I sat in my car with the cucumber sticking up into the steering wheel, some females passing by gawked so I merely said, “It’s my cucumber”. They smiled knowingly, but I thought they might think I was an exhibitionist (I can’t paint nor draw). Driving my car was a problem with the cucumber getting in the way.
When I went to her house and rang the bell, my gawd she was plumb naked. I said, “Do you want to put something on?” So she turned on the T.V. news. I said it was only a large cucumber and I wanted to show it to her to prove I wasn’t stealing, She said, “No problem”, as she opened up my bibs and reached her hot hands into my shorts. The cucumber fell to the floor. She seemed so disappointed, I don’t understand. After that, I never included cucumber in my salad. I couldn’t handle the stress, oh, my gawd.
@ Copyright December 2, 2003 Don “LARCH” Loedding
(A Bark of Larch)
It was a lazy fall day in 2003 and I decided I wanted a salad. So I went to the Frogtown Grocery Store in Cumming, Georgia, a redneck North Georgia community now overrun with yuppie flat landers. At least rednecks drink real beer, not light beer or white wine. The Frogtown Produce Department always had a fresh selection of greens. I wanted a cucumber firm and crisp for my salad. I was wearing my bib overalls like the good old boys. When I weighed my cucumber on the overhead scale and tried to slip it in the plastic bag, it fell into the top of my overalls and slid between my legs. It was large and firm but I couldn’t extract it with the females in the area without causing quite a scene. As I walked, it caused quite a protrusion adding to my discomfit and embarrassment. Other female shoppers thought I was a Minister, a member of the cloth, as they lowered their eyes when they saw me. Respect, I guess.
When I lined up at the check out station. I had to stand back from the customers in front of me due to the protruding cucumber. A crowd of female shoppers gathered, smiling knowingly, as if to witness my arrest for stealing. As the clerk scanned my other goods, I told her I had a large cucumber in my overalls but I was embarrassed to pull it out. I said I was going to put it in my salad. Blushing, she said it was okay and said I could arrange payment later. She said she would love to have it in her salad. Then she handed me a piece of paper with her name, phone number, and address and said to meet her at 5 P.M. after she got off work. Mighty fine, them Frogtown people. That’s only a half hour from now, so I’ll just wait in the parking lot. With all the shoppers milling around, I couldn’t remove the cucumber. Getting into my car was a problem as the cucumber and the steering wheel had a disagreement. As I sat in my car with the cucumber sticking up into the steering wheel, some females passing by gawked so I merely said, “It’s my cucumber”. They smiled knowingly, but I thought they might think I was an exhibitionist (I can’t paint nor draw). Driving my car was a problem with the cucumber getting in the way.
When I went to her house and rang the bell, my gawd she was plumb naked. I said, “Do you want to put something on?” So she turned on the T.V. news. I said it was only a large cucumber and I wanted to show it to her to prove I wasn’t stealing, She said, “No problem”, as she opened up my bibs and reached her hot hands into my shorts. The cucumber fell to the floor. She seemed so disappointed, I don’t understand. After that, I never included cucumber in my salad. I couldn’t handle the stress, oh, my gawd.
@ Copyright December 2, 2003 Don “LARCH” Loedding
Anthropology, Evolution, and Thou
ANTHROPOLOGY, EVOLUTION, AND THOU
(A Bark of Larch)
Evolution: where did we come from? According to the Bible, which I read in tortured religious classes, listened to Priests and Ministers expound loudly, and finally saw the movie, God created man, Adam, who obviously was Jewish according to the Hebrew scholars who recorded the event. Since the first woman, Eve, was supposedly created for the rib of Adam (I fervently believe the ancient translations said the jaw bone of an ass but the different languages and translators confused the message), Eve was also Jewish. So, regardless of your current nationality, guess who your original parents were? Hand me a lox on a bagel with cream cheese. The translators over thousands of years must have been stuffing poppies up their nose when they wrote that man was created in God’s image. Now I ask you to look around at your fellow office workers, neighbors and travelers at airports. All shapes and sizes, colors, sexual orientation, languages, odors, nose sizes, hair content and nationality of man abound. Is god that ugly or did the scribes smoke backyard weed instead of Colombian red? And where does that leave the status of women? I haven’t read the writings of Koran, Torah, Hindu, Buddha but I’m waiting for their movies (remember the movie, The Bible) to see their concept of man, and if women are also excluded. So, big fella, who’s your ancestor, the hairy ape per Darwin or the guy with the beard and skull cap? Anybody want a banana (that smokes them out)?
In another of my ecclesiastical writing, “The Bible and The Millennium”, I explore the theory that God is a woman, to the utter horror of other macho men. The origin of man according to the Bible was centered in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. The input of the snake and the apple(forbidden fruit) is never explained exceptthat they were the impetus for original sin and God kicking them out of the Garden. Did Eve get the first female headache and eat the first apple while Adam was deciphering the first sex? Or was it after the first attempt at sex when Adam discovered that Eve was faking elation? Was the snake male or female? Did the snake allure Adam away from Eve? Remember the saying, “She made love like a snake”? As a result, baptisms and the fear of Purgatory became big business in the form of cash and tips to Priests and Ministers, and the clothing industry for babies, Godfathers and Godmothers. What did God do with the vacated Garden of Eden: a spa for the rich or clerics, a strip mall with trendy shops, the first beer garden, the first senior center, an R & R all inclusive vacation spot for Angels? Location, location, location – it was the first prime real estate on earth.
The early religious right was throwing virgins and young boys into flaming volcanoes and off cliffs into raging seas, but society progressed by stopping such wastes with the aid of non-government funding by nude magazines, lewd movie makers, nude dance clubs, and Priests (not the High Priests but the low ones). Now virgins are a rarity and recruitment of Alter boys in way below quota.
The invention of secretaries probably overshadows the inventions of automobiles and airplanes for pure enjoyment and usefulness, albeit expensive in terms of wages, morale, divorces, demonstrations by women rights groups, laws against free wheeling office sex, banning water coolers, happy hours, weekend corporate travel and seminars, even AT&T being sued for their sales slogan, “Reach out and touch someone”, (C’mon, baby, just let me touch it).
Ethnic and religious cleansing have been cultural activities for centuries by nations, conquering armies, the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages: heretic naming created a booming business in burning folks on the stake, bone busting torture racks, whips, all kinds of torture goodies. Muslims against Christians, Arabs against Muslims, Germans against Jews, Hutus against Tutus, and all that hype about if you don’t believe in what I do, then you die. Bathing is bad enough.
Anthropologists aren’t sure when fire was developed by man. Nor how many thousands or millions of years man survived on cold meat, no toast white nor wheat, washing in cold water, no heating bills nor arguments over temperature controls. Life without grilled cheese sandwiches I cannot fathom. Farting in a hot bathtub and biting the bubbles is a cultural achievement, a snarf. Don’t attempt it in a cold stream, it doesn’t happen; no pucker power, no sphincter muscle control, and the only bubbles floating by are from the musk ox pissing upstream. Could there be meaningful life before Bic and Zippo lighters, and Diamond wooden matches? Conjure a vision of millions of unlit barbecue grills and unending lines of salesmen of barbecue grills, charcoal and starter fluid waiting for welfare payments in the form of colored stones, smelly animal pelts, arrowheads, burned out real estate women, sea shells (I’ll take a good looking sea shell over the latter any day of the week).
But at some point in ancient times, a man was striking rocks together with his hunting and gathering buddy observing. When you have no NFL teams nor television sets, you have few options but to watch your buddy rub his rocks. Suddenly, after reading a geology book, the curious one found flint rocks which produced sparks. Gathering dried pubic hairs which were abundantly scattered around, the man directed the sparks until smoke arose from the hair pile. Initiating a procedure that continues in modern times, the man blew onto the smoldering pubic hair. Lo and behold the first fire caused by man developed. His hunting buddy yelled delight and then said, “Do you have a cigarette?” And that is how we traced the ancestral man of Philip Morris. No longer did man have to chase fires caused by lightning and volcanoes. The feat of fire making spread from cave to cave, from tribe to tribe unhindered by patents, royalty fees, licensing arrangements, and litigation – lawyers world not be evolved for a few more million years to disprove the theory of the survival of the fittest, natural selection, Intelligent Design, no way. Sadistical Divine intervention and masochistic Intelligent Design must have created lawyers to punish man from eating apples and chasing snakes while ignoring naked women, such as Eve. What was social life before man sat around campfires to sing, dance, tell stories, and grab ass?
The wheel was the other great invention as fire that was the turning pint of civilization (demise or advancement). Anthropologists find evidence of fire in ancient diggings of charcoal, burnt bones and the ubiquitous cigarette butts, and determine ages with carbon 14 dating. But with floods and sediments burying ancient campsites and human bones, only a small fraction have been found from the millions of people who evolved and perished over millions of years. Why don’t Anthropologists give credit for when man cut the first wheel and designed axles? What great mind stared at mounds of stone wheels and invented the axle? Did they place upright tree limbs on the wheels and connect them with hemp for clothes lines, or construct nets and played volleyball? Remember that man had time on his hands as he didn’t have TV, movies, cars, airplanes, malls, and tired quickly of chasing women covered with hair matted with last month’s meals, or worse. Procreation was an Olympic challenge of the most determined. Sexual harassment was unknown.
When the axle was connected to two wheels, the wheels wouldn’t move until ball bearings or a rotating joint was discovered. Later, someone developed connecting four wheels and tree limbs connecting the two axles. After the first few downhill collisions, the first speed limit signs were installed. Did the jerk who invented those four wheels realize how many people would be killed and injured millions of years later? Maybe he was a personal injury attorney.
Housing development evolved from stone caves to modern caves: apartments, condos, and townhouses. Free standing houses are priced from $250,000 to over $2 million with the “el cheapos” 20 feet apart and the high flyers 30 feet apart. Yet the cooking fire, barbecue grill, is still as close to the neighbor as 4 million years ago. “Yo, cave neighbor, your meat is burning”. I just love progress. At least the caves were better built before building codes and builders came on the scene. Did insurance agents and attorneys evolve from the same tree with the digression of the wheel and housing?
Where are we going? What changes in our size B.M. (before McDonald’s and A.M. (after McDonald’s)? The houses built in 1900 and before had low doorways because folks were shorter. In 1980 a six foot person had to duck down to walk through the doorways of an house built in 1898. When I played basketball in Dayton, Ohio, in 1950, no one was over six feet in the city league. I met some men and women from St. Simons Island. Georgia, whose families never moved away and never married outsiders, and all were not more that five feet tall with itty bitty hands and feet. Their ancestors were probably sailors from England.
Modern day hunters climb trees using deer stands – a regression? Hand me a banana while I’m thinking. Nude beaches, nudist colonies, naked (topless and bottomless) table top dancing – a regression to years earlier before clothes when body hair was in vogue? With all the million of years gone by, it was only since 1903 that man had automobiles, gas engines, then airplanes, jets, traffic jams, and strip searches at airports. Why was early man so lazy for so long, or was he just smarter in his lifestyle? Did his medicine men and high priests foresee that modern man’s progress was a regression in civilization causing more stress and unhappiness? Warfare regressed from bashing heads with rocks to arrowheads to gunpowder to hydrogen bombs.
In retrospect, I detest computers, gas guzzling cars and trucks, airplane travel, poorly constructed homes, computer answering systems-punch 1 for Zula, 2 for other codes, 3 punch me, fast foods, hunting regulations, women rights, educational institutions that don’t teach survival (mental and physical) and the old ways, loss of civil rights by government and police groups under various titles.
Let’s go drink some fermented coconut juice, bash some heads with clubs, drag women by the hair into our cave, and throw credit card employees and politicians who use religion as a ruse into roaring volcanoes. To hell with the future, let’s return to the good old days.
@Copyright August, 2005 Don “LARCH” Loedding
(A Bark of Larch)
Evolution: where did we come from? According to the Bible, which I read in tortured religious classes, listened to Priests and Ministers expound loudly, and finally saw the movie, God created man, Adam, who obviously was Jewish according to the Hebrew scholars who recorded the event. Since the first woman, Eve, was supposedly created for the rib of Adam (I fervently believe the ancient translations said the jaw bone of an ass but the different languages and translators confused the message), Eve was also Jewish. So, regardless of your current nationality, guess who your original parents were? Hand me a lox on a bagel with cream cheese. The translators over thousands of years must have been stuffing poppies up their nose when they wrote that man was created in God’s image. Now I ask you to look around at your fellow office workers, neighbors and travelers at airports. All shapes and sizes, colors, sexual orientation, languages, odors, nose sizes, hair content and nationality of man abound. Is god that ugly or did the scribes smoke backyard weed instead of Colombian red? And where does that leave the status of women? I haven’t read the writings of Koran, Torah, Hindu, Buddha but I’m waiting for their movies (remember the movie, The Bible) to see their concept of man, and if women are also excluded. So, big fella, who’s your ancestor, the hairy ape per Darwin or the guy with the beard and skull cap? Anybody want a banana (that smokes them out)?
In another of my ecclesiastical writing, “The Bible and The Millennium”, I explore the theory that God is a woman, to the utter horror of other macho men. The origin of man according to the Bible was centered in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. The input of the snake and the apple(forbidden fruit) is never explained exceptthat they were the impetus for original sin and God kicking them out of the Garden. Did Eve get the first female headache and eat the first apple while Adam was deciphering the first sex? Or was it after the first attempt at sex when Adam discovered that Eve was faking elation? Was the snake male or female? Did the snake allure Adam away from Eve? Remember the saying, “She made love like a snake”? As a result, baptisms and the fear of Purgatory became big business in the form of cash and tips to Priests and Ministers, and the clothing industry for babies, Godfathers and Godmothers. What did God do with the vacated Garden of Eden: a spa for the rich or clerics, a strip mall with trendy shops, the first beer garden, the first senior center, an R & R all inclusive vacation spot for Angels? Location, location, location – it was the first prime real estate on earth.
The early religious right was throwing virgins and young boys into flaming volcanoes and off cliffs into raging seas, but society progressed by stopping such wastes with the aid of non-government funding by nude magazines, lewd movie makers, nude dance clubs, and Priests (not the High Priests but the low ones). Now virgins are a rarity and recruitment of Alter boys in way below quota.
The invention of secretaries probably overshadows the inventions of automobiles and airplanes for pure enjoyment and usefulness, albeit expensive in terms of wages, morale, divorces, demonstrations by women rights groups, laws against free wheeling office sex, banning water coolers, happy hours, weekend corporate travel and seminars, even AT&T being sued for their sales slogan, “Reach out and touch someone”, (C’mon, baby, just let me touch it).
Ethnic and religious cleansing have been cultural activities for centuries by nations, conquering armies, the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages: heretic naming created a booming business in burning folks on the stake, bone busting torture racks, whips, all kinds of torture goodies. Muslims against Christians, Arabs against Muslims, Germans against Jews, Hutus against Tutus, and all that hype about if you don’t believe in what I do, then you die. Bathing is bad enough.
Anthropologists aren’t sure when fire was developed by man. Nor how many thousands or millions of years man survived on cold meat, no toast white nor wheat, washing in cold water, no heating bills nor arguments over temperature controls. Life without grilled cheese sandwiches I cannot fathom. Farting in a hot bathtub and biting the bubbles is a cultural achievement, a snarf. Don’t attempt it in a cold stream, it doesn’t happen; no pucker power, no sphincter muscle control, and the only bubbles floating by are from the musk ox pissing upstream. Could there be meaningful life before Bic and Zippo lighters, and Diamond wooden matches? Conjure a vision of millions of unlit barbecue grills and unending lines of salesmen of barbecue grills, charcoal and starter fluid waiting for welfare payments in the form of colored stones, smelly animal pelts, arrowheads, burned out real estate women, sea shells (I’ll take a good looking sea shell over the latter any day of the week).
But at some point in ancient times, a man was striking rocks together with his hunting and gathering buddy observing. When you have no NFL teams nor television sets, you have few options but to watch your buddy rub his rocks. Suddenly, after reading a geology book, the curious one found flint rocks which produced sparks. Gathering dried pubic hairs which were abundantly scattered around, the man directed the sparks until smoke arose from the hair pile. Initiating a procedure that continues in modern times, the man blew onto the smoldering pubic hair. Lo and behold the first fire caused by man developed. His hunting buddy yelled delight and then said, “Do you have a cigarette?” And that is how we traced the ancestral man of Philip Morris. No longer did man have to chase fires caused by lightning and volcanoes. The feat of fire making spread from cave to cave, from tribe to tribe unhindered by patents, royalty fees, licensing arrangements, and litigation – lawyers world not be evolved for a few more million years to disprove the theory of the survival of the fittest, natural selection, Intelligent Design, no way. Sadistical Divine intervention and masochistic Intelligent Design must have created lawyers to punish man from eating apples and chasing snakes while ignoring naked women, such as Eve. What was social life before man sat around campfires to sing, dance, tell stories, and grab ass?
The wheel was the other great invention as fire that was the turning pint of civilization (demise or advancement). Anthropologists find evidence of fire in ancient diggings of charcoal, burnt bones and the ubiquitous cigarette butts, and determine ages with carbon 14 dating. But with floods and sediments burying ancient campsites and human bones, only a small fraction have been found from the millions of people who evolved and perished over millions of years. Why don’t Anthropologists give credit for when man cut the first wheel and designed axles? What great mind stared at mounds of stone wheels and invented the axle? Did they place upright tree limbs on the wheels and connect them with hemp for clothes lines, or construct nets and played volleyball? Remember that man had time on his hands as he didn’t have TV, movies, cars, airplanes, malls, and tired quickly of chasing women covered with hair matted with last month’s meals, or worse. Procreation was an Olympic challenge of the most determined. Sexual harassment was unknown.
When the axle was connected to two wheels, the wheels wouldn’t move until ball bearings or a rotating joint was discovered. Later, someone developed connecting four wheels and tree limbs connecting the two axles. After the first few downhill collisions, the first speed limit signs were installed. Did the jerk who invented those four wheels realize how many people would be killed and injured millions of years later? Maybe he was a personal injury attorney.
Housing development evolved from stone caves to modern caves: apartments, condos, and townhouses. Free standing houses are priced from $250,000 to over $2 million with the “el cheapos” 20 feet apart and the high flyers 30 feet apart. Yet the cooking fire, barbecue grill, is still as close to the neighbor as 4 million years ago. “Yo, cave neighbor, your meat is burning”. I just love progress. At least the caves were better built before building codes and builders came on the scene. Did insurance agents and attorneys evolve from the same tree with the digression of the wheel and housing?
Where are we going? What changes in our size B.M. (before McDonald’s and A.M. (after McDonald’s)? The houses built in 1900 and before had low doorways because folks were shorter. In 1980 a six foot person had to duck down to walk through the doorways of an house built in 1898. When I played basketball in Dayton, Ohio, in 1950, no one was over six feet in the city league. I met some men and women from St. Simons Island. Georgia, whose families never moved away and never married outsiders, and all were not more that five feet tall with itty bitty hands and feet. Their ancestors were probably sailors from England.
Modern day hunters climb trees using deer stands – a regression? Hand me a banana while I’m thinking. Nude beaches, nudist colonies, naked (topless and bottomless) table top dancing – a regression to years earlier before clothes when body hair was in vogue? With all the million of years gone by, it was only since 1903 that man had automobiles, gas engines, then airplanes, jets, traffic jams, and strip searches at airports. Why was early man so lazy for so long, or was he just smarter in his lifestyle? Did his medicine men and high priests foresee that modern man’s progress was a regression in civilization causing more stress and unhappiness? Warfare regressed from bashing heads with rocks to arrowheads to gunpowder to hydrogen bombs.
In retrospect, I detest computers, gas guzzling cars and trucks, airplane travel, poorly constructed homes, computer answering systems-punch 1 for Zula, 2 for other codes, 3 punch me, fast foods, hunting regulations, women rights, educational institutions that don’t teach survival (mental and physical) and the old ways, loss of civil rights by government and police groups under various titles.
Let’s go drink some fermented coconut juice, bash some heads with clubs, drag women by the hair into our cave, and throw credit card employees and politicians who use religion as a ruse into roaring volcanoes. To hell with the future, let’s return to the good old days.
@Copyright August, 2005 Don “LARCH” Loedding
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Hat for sale
Monday, June 28, 2010
BUTCHERS’ DELIGHT: PACKAGED MOTHER – IN – LAW
(A Bark of LARCH)
It was not a dark and rainy night in Northeast Arkansas, but a clear, humid day when a family oriented butcher shop discovered a marketing break through: Packaged Mother – In – Law.
Old line butcher retail and wholesale businesses after 200 years had almost became extinct as dinosaurs with chain grocery stores and WalMart competition. Mothers trusted the local butcher for fresh, healthy meat at low prices. Farmers relied on the local butcher to buy and slaughter their cattle, pigs, sheep and goats for their personal use and income. Of course, it was an accepted practice for tote, where the butcher took some of the farmers’ personal meat for his retail shelves. The butcher explained that there was about 55% waste in slaughtering animals to cover his tote poundage. The farmer got use to bringing in an 800 pound steer and carrying out three boxes of packaged meat that a four year old child could handle. When we farmers complained, the butcher rolled back his eyes in disgust with the meat cleaver in his hand, so we acquiesced.
For centuries of mankind, males were the dominant force in the tribes and villages. They had free use of females to prepare animals they killed, carry fire wood, fabricate shelters, frustration outlets for violence and sexual needs, and to raise the few children that survived for future slaves. But after several millions of years about the 20th century, women disrespectfully demanded rights – a concept that made Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal Man roll over in their graves. Women demanded voting rights (suffrage) and better working conditions, equal wages as men and sexual freedom for bi-partners. (I realize I’m treading on dangerous waters, but I have my airline tickets with false passport to Bangladesh in hand).
Well, men consented to voting rights but did not count them, working conditions in the garment industry and others improved somewhat, token management and supervisory positions were relented but the glass ceiling was strictly enforced as a code of manhood at all corporations, small or large. The first lap tops before electronics were women.
With this superficial evolution of women’s rights, the dreaded mother-in-law became more dominant in family life as an unwarranted harassment to beer drinking, womanizing, fun loving husbands. Presidents of countries, parliament and congressional officials, clerics, and prominent male leaders all were the standard bearers for male freedom and superiority. Rightly so. Albeit, the specter of a mother-in-law with constant nagging and devious coaching to their daughters became unbearable to red blooded men, wimps and girlie types excluded.
The salvation of man came unexpectedly in a family oriented butcher shop in a small Christian town in Northeast Arkansas. Coincidentally, Salem in New England about 400 years ago was foundered by Puritans with strict religious regulations. When youngsters did not like overbearing women, they called them Witches and the church leaders voted to burn them at the stake. So with that religious, God fearing precedent, the door was open for future action by men. In a recorded and fully documented event, a humble Geology instructor at a local college was side stepping the no-no word of evolution in his teachings in the strict community. Instead, he emphasized adapting to environmental changes as the basis for survival of the fittest for animal and plant species, including man. When fearful students mentioned Intelligent Design, he challenged them to visit airline and bus terminals in Dallas, Atlanta, and New York to observe the inconceivable inhabitants. Such an event also dispels the concept of evolution which has a connotation of improvement.
The Instructor had two large Nubian goats which he wanted to trade for a large sheep with a local, staff less sheepherder who had a large flock. The sheepherder picked up the goats, sold them at an auction sale, and retained the income for the sheep which he was feeding. Raising cattle for years and now sheep, the rancher had long time business relations with his butcher friend. When the sacrificial lamb reached 165 pounds, he delivered it to his butcher friend. As a long time resident, the butcher knew all the families and their squabbles. After imbibing in the nectar of the gods with a husband who was quite distraught with his mother-in-law, the butcher was enlightened by a message from space to switch the large sheep with the equally sized friend’s mother-in-law. Cannibalism, no way. An animal that devours members of its own species, like turkey, is a cannibal. But human cannibals eat their enemies for their courage and fierce spirit and, thus, are treated as healthy meat. A mother-in-law meets none of those qualifications. The butcher packaged the meat according to the buyer’s instructions who was notified it was ready to be picked up. Eagerly awaiting the promised lamb, the Geology instructor first cooked some chops. But they were very tough and did not taste like lamb, nor beef, nor pork. Now being a hunter, he’s eaten deer and wild pig but could still not savor this mystery meat. After cooking several pieces of the “lamb”, he decided to marinate the next piece in cheap red wine for three days as he had done with wild boar to soften it and eliminate the strong taste. Alas, his sharp knife could not cut the tough meat, nor could he relate the taste to known meats. As with most consumers, he was too shy to complain to the butcher or sheepherder as they would challenge his cooking and eating experiences.
The butcher and sheepherder were delighted with their success. No husband would ever complain about a missing mother-in-law and wives’ inquires were ignored as nagging women by police and all concerned. For the butcher, it was like a field of dreams, trucks were lined up for miles with local and out of state license plates delivering carcasses. Customers who ordered cattle, sheep and pig were given this mystery meat – an international taste sensation. This low priced meat has solved the world’s food shortage. Supply exceeds demand.
The butcher now has the first high rise butcher building, he had to open bank accounts all over Arkansas, his customer list represents countries from all over the world, and chain grocery stores are begging for supplies. Husbands around the world are smiling again for the first time in 200 years. Man has once again adapted to his environment for survival, and peace of mind.
@Copyright July 14, 2009 Don “LARCH” Loedding
(A Bark of LARCH)
It was not a dark and rainy night in Northeast Arkansas, but a clear, humid day when a family oriented butcher shop discovered a marketing break through: Packaged Mother – In – Law.
Old line butcher retail and wholesale businesses after 200 years had almost became extinct as dinosaurs with chain grocery stores and WalMart competition. Mothers trusted the local butcher for fresh, healthy meat at low prices. Farmers relied on the local butcher to buy and slaughter their cattle, pigs, sheep and goats for their personal use and income. Of course, it was an accepted practice for tote, where the butcher took some of the farmers’ personal meat for his retail shelves. The butcher explained that there was about 55% waste in slaughtering animals to cover his tote poundage. The farmer got use to bringing in an 800 pound steer and carrying out three boxes of packaged meat that a four year old child could handle. When we farmers complained, the butcher rolled back his eyes in disgust with the meat cleaver in his hand, so we acquiesced.
For centuries of mankind, males were the dominant force in the tribes and villages. They had free use of females to prepare animals they killed, carry fire wood, fabricate shelters, frustration outlets for violence and sexual needs, and to raise the few children that survived for future slaves. But after several millions of years about the 20th century, women disrespectfully demanded rights – a concept that made Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal Man roll over in their graves. Women demanded voting rights (suffrage) and better working conditions, equal wages as men and sexual freedom for bi-partners. (I realize I’m treading on dangerous waters, but I have my airline tickets with false passport to Bangladesh in hand).
Well, men consented to voting rights but did not count them, working conditions in the garment industry and others improved somewhat, token management and supervisory positions were relented but the glass ceiling was strictly enforced as a code of manhood at all corporations, small or large. The first lap tops before electronics were women.
With this superficial evolution of women’s rights, the dreaded mother-in-law became more dominant in family life as an unwarranted harassment to beer drinking, womanizing, fun loving husbands. Presidents of countries, parliament and congressional officials, clerics, and prominent male leaders all were the standard bearers for male freedom and superiority. Rightly so. Albeit, the specter of a mother-in-law with constant nagging and devious coaching to their daughters became unbearable to red blooded men, wimps and girlie types excluded.
The salvation of man came unexpectedly in a family oriented butcher shop in a small Christian town in Northeast Arkansas. Coincidentally, Salem in New England about 400 years ago was foundered by Puritans with strict religious regulations. When youngsters did not like overbearing women, they called them Witches and the church leaders voted to burn them at the stake. So with that religious, God fearing precedent, the door was open for future action by men. In a recorded and fully documented event, a humble Geology instructor at a local college was side stepping the no-no word of evolution in his teachings in the strict community. Instead, he emphasized adapting to environmental changes as the basis for survival of the fittest for animal and plant species, including man. When fearful students mentioned Intelligent Design, he challenged them to visit airline and bus terminals in Dallas, Atlanta, and New York to observe the inconceivable inhabitants. Such an event also dispels the concept of evolution which has a connotation of improvement.
The Instructor had two large Nubian goats which he wanted to trade for a large sheep with a local, staff less sheepherder who had a large flock. The sheepherder picked up the goats, sold them at an auction sale, and retained the income for the sheep which he was feeding. Raising cattle for years and now sheep, the rancher had long time business relations with his butcher friend. When the sacrificial lamb reached 165 pounds, he delivered it to his butcher friend. As a long time resident, the butcher knew all the families and their squabbles. After imbibing in the nectar of the gods with a husband who was quite distraught with his mother-in-law, the butcher was enlightened by a message from space to switch the large sheep with the equally sized friend’s mother-in-law. Cannibalism, no way. An animal that devours members of its own species, like turkey, is a cannibal. But human cannibals eat their enemies for their courage and fierce spirit and, thus, are treated as healthy meat. A mother-in-law meets none of those qualifications. The butcher packaged the meat according to the buyer’s instructions who was notified it was ready to be picked up. Eagerly awaiting the promised lamb, the Geology instructor first cooked some chops. But they were very tough and did not taste like lamb, nor beef, nor pork. Now being a hunter, he’s eaten deer and wild pig but could still not savor this mystery meat. After cooking several pieces of the “lamb”, he decided to marinate the next piece in cheap red wine for three days as he had done with wild boar to soften it and eliminate the strong taste. Alas, his sharp knife could not cut the tough meat, nor could he relate the taste to known meats. As with most consumers, he was too shy to complain to the butcher or sheepherder as they would challenge his cooking and eating experiences.
The butcher and sheepherder were delighted with their success. No husband would ever complain about a missing mother-in-law and wives’ inquires were ignored as nagging women by police and all concerned. For the butcher, it was like a field of dreams, trucks were lined up for miles with local and out of state license plates delivering carcasses. Customers who ordered cattle, sheep and pig were given this mystery meat – an international taste sensation. This low priced meat has solved the world’s food shortage. Supply exceeds demand.
The butcher now has the first high rise butcher building, he had to open bank accounts all over Arkansas, his customer list represents countries from all over the world, and chain grocery stores are begging for supplies. Husbands around the world are smiling again for the first time in 200 years. Man has once again adapted to his environment for survival, and peace of mind.
@Copyright July 14, 2009 Don “LARCH” Loedding
THE COMPLEXITIES OF CLIMATE
( A Bark Of LARCH)
The news media needs a Geologist (USGS) to speak on the complexities of our vibrant, living earth on the effects on weather throughout millions of years as shown in the study of rocks, fossils, glaciers, meteorology, and oceanography. The studies of the Vostok Antarctic Ice Core Data and the Greenland Summit Ice Cores tell the story of Paleoclimatology with long periods of ice ages and short peaks of global warming every 90,000 to 130,000 years for the last one half million years. A Meteorologist cannot summarize the causes with their science of less than a hundred years. A politician or manufacturer of “green” products have vested interests with no scientific knowledge. Of course, USGS employees may squeak the Federal views to keep their jobs.
Over centuries the earth’s orbital parameters change, its axis of rotation varies, it wobbles, sunspots with solar flares effect our weather for 11 year cycles (the last major one was about 2003), electromagnetic ray storms from space, periods of volcanic eruptions produce more tons of carbon, acid producing rain from ash and gases of hydrogen sulfide, carbon dioxide and methane than industrial nations in the last 200 years. The major earthquake of over 9 on the Richter Scale near Indonesia about 3 years ago knocked the earth out of its axis 0.1 degree. No one knows what effect that will have on future weather. The earth receives its heat and energy from the sun and all variations of earth’s movements affect various surfaces of the earth for climate, environment, and bio-diversity. Yellowstone National Park is a dormant volcano with an approximate diameter of 45 miles, but showing recent activity of rising in the north, increasing earthquakes, and animal unrest. When that erupts again, how will that one major disaster affect the lives of humans, animals, and plants, and weather in the world?
Environmental and ecological conditions are affected by the continual movement of the 12 tectonic plates which cause continent masses to move into latitudes away from the warm equator resulting in temperature and moisture changes with animal and plant species extinction and creation. That explains why tropical animal and plant fossils are found in Antarctic and Siberia. The plates’ movements also cause the rising and lowering of land and sea levels. For examples, the Hawaiian Islands are moving northwest about 4 inches a year and the Rocky Mountains are rising about 2 inches per year.
The recent news of a giant iceberg drifting towards Australia causes panic visions of flooding coastal cities. The news media should take a glass of ice cubes and fill it with water to show that it doesn’t change the volume of water as the cubes melt. We do that experiment all the time at home and in bars without having any panic of spilling.
The “State of Fear” by Michael Crichton is fiction about a global warming scam, but has a detailed factual bibliography on world weather for the last hundred years. Crichton summarizes that puny man cannot understand nor change the complexities that cause climate changes over millions of years.
@Copyright January, 2010 Don “LARCH” Loedding
( A Bark Of LARCH)
The news media needs a Geologist (USGS) to speak on the complexities of our vibrant, living earth on the effects on weather throughout millions of years as shown in the study of rocks, fossils, glaciers, meteorology, and oceanography. The studies of the Vostok Antarctic Ice Core Data and the Greenland Summit Ice Cores tell the story of Paleoclimatology with long periods of ice ages and short peaks of global warming every 90,000 to 130,000 years for the last one half million years. A Meteorologist cannot summarize the causes with their science of less than a hundred years. A politician or manufacturer of “green” products have vested interests with no scientific knowledge. Of course, USGS employees may squeak the Federal views to keep their jobs.
Over centuries the earth’s orbital parameters change, its axis of rotation varies, it wobbles, sunspots with solar flares effect our weather for 11 year cycles (the last major one was about 2003), electromagnetic ray storms from space, periods of volcanic eruptions produce more tons of carbon, acid producing rain from ash and gases of hydrogen sulfide, carbon dioxide and methane than industrial nations in the last 200 years. The major earthquake of over 9 on the Richter Scale near Indonesia about 3 years ago knocked the earth out of its axis 0.1 degree. No one knows what effect that will have on future weather. The earth receives its heat and energy from the sun and all variations of earth’s movements affect various surfaces of the earth for climate, environment, and bio-diversity. Yellowstone National Park is a dormant volcano with an approximate diameter of 45 miles, but showing recent activity of rising in the north, increasing earthquakes, and animal unrest. When that erupts again, how will that one major disaster affect the lives of humans, animals, and plants, and weather in the world?
Environmental and ecological conditions are affected by the continual movement of the 12 tectonic plates which cause continent masses to move into latitudes away from the warm equator resulting in temperature and moisture changes with animal and plant species extinction and creation. That explains why tropical animal and plant fossils are found in Antarctic and Siberia. The plates’ movements also cause the rising and lowering of land and sea levels. For examples, the Hawaiian Islands are moving northwest about 4 inches a year and the Rocky Mountains are rising about 2 inches per year.
The recent news of a giant iceberg drifting towards Australia causes panic visions of flooding coastal cities. The news media should take a glass of ice cubes and fill it with water to show that it doesn’t change the volume of water as the cubes melt. We do that experiment all the time at home and in bars without having any panic of spilling.
The “State of Fear” by Michael Crichton is fiction about a global warming scam, but has a detailed factual bibliography on world weather for the last hundred years. Crichton summarizes that puny man cannot understand nor change the complexities that cause climate changes over millions of years.
@Copyright January, 2010 Don “LARCH” Loedding
AVON SALES IN A BIKERS’ BAR
(A Bark of LARCH)
Hi, guys! Well off on another Avon Skin-So-Soft sales call for the benefit of North Georgia Ridge Riders (hell, some of us even ride on top of the horses! Heh, heh, I saw Tim ‘Coon pushing his mare like it ran out of gas – he oughta sell some more computer stuff so he can buy another belt as his pants were down around his ankles !)
For this sales call, I wore a nice pink shirt, selected a nice pair of large flowery print Bermuda shorts (I hear they’re coming back), slipped on my hiking boots with the red tipped socks, and wore that Mexican hat with the band flowing in the breeze which I sent Pierrette to Cox’s when it was on sale as a “Seer Sucker Hat” (Tim and Jim still think she misunderstood and went to Sear’s instead).
As I popped out of my Truckee at Bubba’s Joint & Pool Hall, the parking lot was jammed full of the biggest goddamn motorcycles with all kinds of crazed looking men and gals with leathers, chains, helmets with crossbones and skulls, all holding axe handles and bicycle chains (must’ve been a big sale at Home Depot). The guys and some of the gals had meaner, foul smelling, scraggier beards than those midget Arabs in my last sales report on Hidden Valley Nudist Camp. Since they were all glaring at me, us sales types are great for initiating conversation and opening the sales prospects minds, so I said, “Sure got some nice looking Honda’s there “. Well you could’ve heard a pin drop, so to break the impasse, I passed a little gas – well, I actually farted, hell it was a 5 star flutter blast !
Well that started the introductions as several of the guys and gals started belching and farting (just like the good old Frat parties). There was Moose – must’ve weighed 300 lbs., Angel (meaner than shit and drooling), Slippery Dick (how do parents name their kids?), Axe Handle Man (sure did put a mean dent in my truck hood), Ass-Eyes (and he looked it), Rotten Crotch Annie (she was only 3 feet tall, had pistol grip ears and a concave recession on the top of her head – looks like it could hold a beer can) and Two Dogs-A-Fuckin (a Cherokee Indian gal, hadn’t had a bath in months but since all the flies gathered on her, it kept them off the rest of us).
With a couple of Skin-So-Soft bottles, I eased into Bubba’s Bar singing “Ding, Dong, Avon’s here”, but I tripped on the doorway and one bottle spilled on the floor which made it slicker than Owl shit ! Moose pushed me aside, slipped and fell right on his ass, coating his black leather jacket and leather pants with Skin-So-Soft. Ass-Eyes grabbed me and dropped me into a chair by a table and sat down with Rotten Crotch Annie. Being an adroit salesman, I saw the timing was perfect for small talk and saw a football game was on TV. So I said that Green Bay, Wisconsin, had nothing but football players and whores. Ass-Eyes grabbed me and said his girl friend, Rotten Crotch Annie, was from Green Bay, so I quickly asked her what position she played ! Slippery Dick then joined us and I guzzled beer like the biggees. I pulled Dick over and said that girl at the bar looks like she attracts men by wearing her ankles behind her ears; well, Slippery Dick’s eyes glazed over and said that’s his sister. Guess I blew that sale.
So I thought I’d join the group at the pool table, grabbed a cue stick and told them to rack the balls and I’d break. Thought I’d show off my pool skills as I rammed my cue stick back and felt the end hit something soft and fleshy; glancing back I saw Axe handle Man doubled over in pain, and as I tried to hit the cue ball being off balance, I scratched an 8 inch strip of green felt, hell, I even grooved the slate! Then Axe Handle Man said he would rack the balls now – mercy me, what he did with that cue stick; I still don’t walk straight! As I turned away I knocked the light out over the pool table with my cue stick so that ended the game.
Then I had to take a whiz like a race horse, so I moseyed into the men’s room. Well, Moose was standing at the urinal next to me and I was admiring his black leather jacket so I said, “You sure got a nice one”. Golly gee, he just slapped the living dog shit out of me, zipped up his pants and stormed out.
I eased up to the bar next to Ass-Eyes and grabbed a glass that looked like straight Evan Williams, so I downed that sucker – holy shit, I coughed and spit, eyes popping out, throat burned like a 3 alarm fire; but then I turned nonchalantly to Ass-Eyes and said that was smooth! He stared at me in disbelief for a minute and said that was his tobacco spit!
I decided it was time to end this sales call (cold calls never were my thing); and they all followed me out to my truck. Guess I made an impression as several lifted their fingers, which obviously meant that super salesman Don and Avon were #1, and several more, even the unfriendly gals, bared their rears to show how soft Avon can make even gnarled flesh.
Like that movie guy, Arnold what’s his name (talks funny), I threw out my scrawny chest, flexed my sagging breast – felt my nipples go hard – gee, it was exhilarating as I turned to them as I was walking away and said,” I’ll be back!” Lordy, lordy, I never in my born life saw such a flurry of activity with people scrambling over each other, half naked men and women with their pants around their ankles jumping on those god awesome bikes, roaring engines, spurring black smoke, throwing gravel, and flat ass hauling out of Bubba’s parking lot – hope I didn’t offend them with my remarks.
@Copyright May 1, 1992 Don “LARCH” Loedding
(A Bark of LARCH)
Hi, guys! Well off on another Avon Skin-So-Soft sales call for the benefit of North Georgia Ridge Riders (hell, some of us even ride on top of the horses! Heh, heh, I saw Tim ‘Coon pushing his mare like it ran out of gas – he oughta sell some more computer stuff so he can buy another belt as his pants were down around his ankles !)
For this sales call, I wore a nice pink shirt, selected a nice pair of large flowery print Bermuda shorts (I hear they’re coming back), slipped on my hiking boots with the red tipped socks, and wore that Mexican hat with the band flowing in the breeze which I sent Pierrette to Cox’s when it was on sale as a “Seer Sucker Hat” (Tim and Jim still think she misunderstood and went to Sear’s instead).
As I popped out of my Truckee at Bubba’s Joint & Pool Hall, the parking lot was jammed full of the biggest goddamn motorcycles with all kinds of crazed looking men and gals with leathers, chains, helmets with crossbones and skulls, all holding axe handles and bicycle chains (must’ve been a big sale at Home Depot). The guys and some of the gals had meaner, foul smelling, scraggier beards than those midget Arabs in my last sales report on Hidden Valley Nudist Camp. Since they were all glaring at me, us sales types are great for initiating conversation and opening the sales prospects minds, so I said, “Sure got some nice looking Honda’s there “. Well you could’ve heard a pin drop, so to break the impasse, I passed a little gas – well, I actually farted, hell it was a 5 star flutter blast !
Well that started the introductions as several of the guys and gals started belching and farting (just like the good old Frat parties). There was Moose – must’ve weighed 300 lbs., Angel (meaner than shit and drooling), Slippery Dick (how do parents name their kids?), Axe Handle Man (sure did put a mean dent in my truck hood), Ass-Eyes (and he looked it), Rotten Crotch Annie (she was only 3 feet tall, had pistol grip ears and a concave recession on the top of her head – looks like it could hold a beer can) and Two Dogs-A-Fuckin (a Cherokee Indian gal, hadn’t had a bath in months but since all the flies gathered on her, it kept them off the rest of us).
With a couple of Skin-So-Soft bottles, I eased into Bubba’s Bar singing “Ding, Dong, Avon’s here”, but I tripped on the doorway and one bottle spilled on the floor which made it slicker than Owl shit ! Moose pushed me aside, slipped and fell right on his ass, coating his black leather jacket and leather pants with Skin-So-Soft. Ass-Eyes grabbed me and dropped me into a chair by a table and sat down with Rotten Crotch Annie. Being an adroit salesman, I saw the timing was perfect for small talk and saw a football game was on TV. So I said that Green Bay, Wisconsin, had nothing but football players and whores. Ass-Eyes grabbed me and said his girl friend, Rotten Crotch Annie, was from Green Bay, so I quickly asked her what position she played ! Slippery Dick then joined us and I guzzled beer like the biggees. I pulled Dick over and said that girl at the bar looks like she attracts men by wearing her ankles behind her ears; well, Slippery Dick’s eyes glazed over and said that’s his sister. Guess I blew that sale.
So I thought I’d join the group at the pool table, grabbed a cue stick and told them to rack the balls and I’d break. Thought I’d show off my pool skills as I rammed my cue stick back and felt the end hit something soft and fleshy; glancing back I saw Axe handle Man doubled over in pain, and as I tried to hit the cue ball being off balance, I scratched an 8 inch strip of green felt, hell, I even grooved the slate! Then Axe Handle Man said he would rack the balls now – mercy me, what he did with that cue stick; I still don’t walk straight! As I turned away I knocked the light out over the pool table with my cue stick so that ended the game.
Then I had to take a whiz like a race horse, so I moseyed into the men’s room. Well, Moose was standing at the urinal next to me and I was admiring his black leather jacket so I said, “You sure got a nice one”. Golly gee, he just slapped the living dog shit out of me, zipped up his pants and stormed out.
I eased up to the bar next to Ass-Eyes and grabbed a glass that looked like straight Evan Williams, so I downed that sucker – holy shit, I coughed and spit, eyes popping out, throat burned like a 3 alarm fire; but then I turned nonchalantly to Ass-Eyes and said that was smooth! He stared at me in disbelief for a minute and said that was his tobacco spit!
I decided it was time to end this sales call (cold calls never were my thing); and they all followed me out to my truck. Guess I made an impression as several lifted their fingers, which obviously meant that super salesman Don and Avon were #1, and several more, even the unfriendly gals, bared their rears to show how soft Avon can make even gnarled flesh.
Like that movie guy, Arnold what’s his name (talks funny), I threw out my scrawny chest, flexed my sagging breast – felt my nipples go hard – gee, it was exhilarating as I turned to them as I was walking away and said,” I’ll be back!” Lordy, lordy, I never in my born life saw such a flurry of activity with people scrambling over each other, half naked men and women with their pants around their ankles jumping on those god awesome bikes, roaring engines, spurring black smoke, throwing gravel, and flat ass hauling out of Bubba’s parking lot – hope I didn’t offend them with my remarks.
@Copyright May 1, 1992 Don “LARCH” Loedding
Thursday, June 17, 2010
BP, THE SCAPE GOAT
No moratorium on offshore drilling. BP makes a scientific breakthrough for discovery and drilling oil 5,000 feet deep in the Gulf of Mexico in April, 2010. A gusher. And the oil, unassisted, keeps pouring out thousands of barrels. In January, 1901, a gusher oil well was drilled into a salt dome, Spindle Top, Texas. It produced 100,000 barrels a day, more than all the other oil wells combined in the United States. Galileo, with his absurd idea that the sun is the center of our universe, had been outcast by Christians.
20 year moratoriums of Gulf drilling have been in place since the early 1980’s thanks to the short sightedness of Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. Up until then the towns of southern Louisiana, like Houma, were bustling with exploration companies, well suppliers, and transportation contractors- boats, pipelines, storage facilities, aircraft. Full employment with excellent pay, motels filled, restaurants and bars packed. I was there in the fall of 1967 doing special projects with Texaco. The exploration companies’ employees couldn’t buy a drink nor a meal as their tables were full of drinks and food paid by well suppliers. When workers rotated off their three week shifts on drilling platforms, it took them three days to get home while partaking of the nectar of the gods at the bars. With those moratoriums in the 1980’s, they became ghost towns. The exploration companies had their expensive risks of drilling and well platforms, dry holes were commonplace. The drillers and roughnecks have one of the top four casualty professions. But success and money talk. Then Congress eliminates the oil companies 27% depletion tax break to make drilling even more risky.
At least 44,000 people are killed in vehicle accidents in the United States every year and hundreds of thousands are injured. Do the politicians in Washington ban cars and trucks? When military and civilian airplanes crash, are planes grounded? These every day tragedies are tolerated as part of our culture. But when NASA with its high risk ventures into unforgiving space has some casualties (still safer than freeway traffic), future progress is delayed, momentum in engineering and peoples’ talents is stalled. Politicians should not stop progress in science and engineering, areas in which they are ignorant. Their chief concern is job protection, votes, campaign contributions, lobbyists bribes, wining and dining- the Washington social life.
The United States and the world energy requirements grow in an exponential manner. The United States has tremendous fossil fuel reserves in oil, oil shales, oil sands, and coal in developed and undeveloped areas. The continental shelves of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, and south of Key West to Cuba, to our federal limits, are begging to liberate crude oil. Green won’t hack it with solar, wind, and batteries to no more than 25% of our energy requirements.
Hurricanes will cleanse the Gulf shore. Both sea and land animals will migrate, procreate, and survive as they have done for millions of years. Some species will perish, some will genetically adapt, and new species will come forth as we see today. Oil, being organic from sea life, will breakdown with chemical weathering and munching bacteria.
The United States has not had a cohesive, comprehensive, long range energy program for over 60 years. It has been a knee jerk and reactive wet dream. My proposal, “National Energy Action”, is attached.
@Copyright June, 2010Don “LARCH” Loedding, Geologist, MBA
20 year moratoriums of Gulf drilling have been in place since the early 1980’s thanks to the short sightedness of Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. Up until then the towns of southern Louisiana, like Houma, were bustling with exploration companies, well suppliers, and transportation contractors- boats, pipelines, storage facilities, aircraft. Full employment with excellent pay, motels filled, restaurants and bars packed. I was there in the fall of 1967 doing special projects with Texaco. The exploration companies’ employees couldn’t buy a drink nor a meal as their tables were full of drinks and food paid by well suppliers. When workers rotated off their three week shifts on drilling platforms, it took them three days to get home while partaking of the nectar of the gods at the bars. With those moratoriums in the 1980’s, they became ghost towns. The exploration companies had their expensive risks of drilling and well platforms, dry holes were commonplace. The drillers and roughnecks have one of the top four casualty professions. But success and money talk. Then Congress eliminates the oil companies 27% depletion tax break to make drilling even more risky.
At least 44,000 people are killed in vehicle accidents in the United States every year and hundreds of thousands are injured. Do the politicians in Washington ban cars and trucks? When military and civilian airplanes crash, are planes grounded? These every day tragedies are tolerated as part of our culture. But when NASA with its high risk ventures into unforgiving space has some casualties (still safer than freeway traffic), future progress is delayed, momentum in engineering and peoples’ talents is stalled. Politicians should not stop progress in science and engineering, areas in which they are ignorant. Their chief concern is job protection, votes, campaign contributions, lobbyists bribes, wining and dining- the Washington social life.
The United States and the world energy requirements grow in an exponential manner. The United States has tremendous fossil fuel reserves in oil, oil shales, oil sands, and coal in developed and undeveloped areas. The continental shelves of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, and south of Key West to Cuba, to our federal limits, are begging to liberate crude oil. Green won’t hack it with solar, wind, and batteries to no more than 25% of our energy requirements.
Hurricanes will cleanse the Gulf shore. Both sea and land animals will migrate, procreate, and survive as they have done for millions of years. Some species will perish, some will genetically adapt, and new species will come forth as we see today. Oil, being organic from sea life, will breakdown with chemical weathering and munching bacteria.
The United States has not had a cohesive, comprehensive, long range energy program for over 60 years. It has been a knee jerk and reactive wet dream. My proposal, “National Energy Action”, is attached.
@Copyright June, 2010Don “LARCH” Loedding, Geologist, MBA
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