Barks of Larch

When you fall off the horse of life, git back on and ride like hell.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hat for sale

Red baseball cap with book cover and title "The Search For The Bearded Clam". Price $10 plus shipping. Don Loedding, P.O. 69, Violet Hill, Arkansas 72584;

Monday, June 28, 2010

(A Bark of LARCH)
It was not a dark and rainy night in Northeast Arkansas, but a clear, humid day when a family oriented butcher shop discovered a marketing break through: Packaged Mother – In – Law.

Old line butcher retail and wholesale businesses after 200 years had almost became extinct as dinosaurs with chain grocery stores and WalMart competition. Mothers trusted the local butcher for fresh, healthy meat at low prices. Farmers relied on the local butcher to buy and slaughter their cattle, pigs, sheep and goats for their personal use and income. Of course, it was an accepted practice for tote, where the butcher took some of the farmers’ personal meat for his retail shelves. The butcher explained that there was about 55% waste in slaughtering animals to cover his tote poundage. The farmer got use to bringing in an 800 pound steer and carrying out three boxes of packaged meat that a four year old child could handle. When we farmers complained, the butcher rolled back his eyes in disgust with the meat cleaver in his hand, so we acquiesced.

For centuries of mankind, males were the dominant force in the tribes and villages. They had free use of females to prepare animals they killed, carry fire wood, fabricate shelters, frustration outlets for violence and sexual needs, and to raise the few children that survived for future slaves. But after several millions of years about the 20th century, women disrespectfully demanded rights – a concept that made Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal Man roll over in their graves. Women demanded voting rights (suffrage) and better working conditions, equal wages as men and sexual freedom for bi-partners. (I realize I’m treading on dangerous waters, but I have my airline tickets with false passport to Bangladesh in hand).

Well, men consented to voting rights but did not count them, working conditions in the garment industry and others improved somewhat, token management and supervisory positions were relented but the glass ceiling was strictly enforced as a code of manhood at all corporations, small or large. The first lap tops before electronics were women.

With this superficial evolution of women’s rights, the dreaded mother-in-law became more dominant in family life as an unwarranted harassment to beer drinking, womanizing, fun loving husbands. Presidents of countries, parliament and congressional officials, clerics, and prominent male leaders all were the standard bearers for male freedom and superiority. Rightly so. Albeit, the specter of a mother-in-law with constant nagging and devious coaching to their daughters became unbearable to red blooded men, wimps and girlie types excluded.

The salvation of man came unexpectedly in a family oriented butcher shop in a small Christian town in Northeast Arkansas. Coincidentally, Salem in New England about 400 years ago was foundered by Puritans with strict religious regulations. When youngsters did not like overbearing women, they called them Witches and the church leaders voted to burn them at the stake. So with that religious, God fearing precedent, the door was open for future action by men. In a recorded and fully documented event, a humble Geology instructor at a local college was side stepping the no-no word of evolution in his teachings in the strict community. Instead, he emphasized adapting to environmental changes as the basis for survival of the fittest for animal and plant species, including man. When fearful students mentioned Intelligent Design, he challenged them to visit airline and bus terminals in Dallas, Atlanta, and New York to observe the inconceivable inhabitants. Such an event also dispels the concept of evolution which has a connotation of improvement.

The Instructor had two large Nubian goats which he wanted to trade for a large sheep with a local, staff less sheepherder who had a large flock. The sheepherder picked up the goats, sold them at an auction sale, and retained the income for the sheep which he was feeding. Raising cattle for years and now sheep, the rancher had long time business relations with his butcher friend. When the sacrificial lamb reached 165 pounds, he delivered it to his butcher friend. As a long time resident, the butcher knew all the families and their squabbles. After imbibing in the nectar of the gods with a husband who was quite distraught with his mother-in-law, the butcher was enlightened by a message from space to switch the large sheep with the equally sized friend’s mother-in-law. Cannibalism, no way. An animal that devours members of its own species, like turkey, is a cannibal. But human cannibals eat their enemies for their courage and fierce spirit and, thus, are treated as healthy meat. A mother-in-law meets none of those qualifications. The butcher packaged the meat according to the buyer’s instructions who was notified it was ready to be picked up. Eagerly awaiting the promised lamb, the Geology instructor first cooked some chops. But they were very tough and did not taste like lamb, nor beef, nor pork. Now being a hunter, he’s eaten deer and wild pig but could still not savor this mystery meat. After cooking several pieces of the “lamb”, he decided to marinate the next piece in cheap red wine for three days as he had done with wild boar to soften it and eliminate the strong taste. Alas, his sharp knife could not cut the tough meat, nor could he relate the taste to known meats. As with most consumers, he was too shy to complain to the butcher or sheepherder as they would challenge his cooking and eating experiences.

The butcher and sheepherder were delighted with their success. No husband would ever complain about a missing mother-in-law and wives’ inquires were ignored as nagging women by police and all concerned. For the butcher, it was like a field of dreams, trucks were lined up for miles with local and out of state license plates delivering carcasses. Customers who ordered cattle, sheep and pig were given this mystery meat – an international taste sensation. This low priced meat has solved the world’s food shortage. Supply exceeds demand.

The butcher now has the first high rise butcher building, he had to open bank accounts all over Arkansas, his customer list represents countries from all over the world, and chain grocery stores are begging for supplies. Husbands around the world are smiling again for the first time in 200 years. Man has once again adapted to his environment for survival, and peace of mind.

@Copyright July 14, 2009 Don “LARCH” Loedding

( A Bark Of LARCH)

The news media needs a Geologist (USGS) to speak on the complexities of our vibrant, living earth on the effects on weather throughout millions of years as shown in the study of rocks, fossils, glaciers, meteorology, and oceanography. The studies of the Vostok Antarctic Ice Core Data and the Greenland Summit Ice Cores tell the story of Paleoclimatology with long periods of ice ages and short peaks of global warming every 90,000 to 130,000 years for the last one half million years. A Meteorologist cannot summarize the causes with their science of less than a hundred years. A politician or manufacturer of “green” products have vested interests with no scientific knowledge. Of course, USGS employees may squeak the Federal views to keep their jobs.

Over centuries the earth’s orbital parameters change, its axis of rotation varies, it wobbles, sunspots with solar flares effect our weather for 11 year cycles (the last major one was about 2003), electromagnetic ray storms from space, periods of volcanic eruptions produce more tons of carbon, acid producing rain from ash and gases of hydrogen sulfide, carbon dioxide and methane than industrial nations in the last 200 years. The major earthquake of over 9 on the Richter Scale near Indonesia about 3 years ago knocked the earth out of its axis 0.1 degree. No one knows what effect that will have on future weather. The earth receives its heat and energy from the sun and all variations of earth’s movements affect various surfaces of the earth for climate, environment, and bio-diversity. Yellowstone National Park is a dormant volcano with an approximate diameter of 45 miles, but showing recent activity of rising in the north, increasing earthquakes, and animal unrest. When that erupts again, how will that one major disaster affect the lives of humans, animals, and plants, and weather in the world?

Environmental and ecological conditions are affected by the continual movement of the 12 tectonic plates which cause continent masses to move into latitudes away from the warm equator resulting in temperature and moisture changes with animal and plant species extinction and creation. That explains why tropical animal and plant fossils are found in Antarctic and Siberia. The plates’ movements also cause the rising and lowering of land and sea levels. For examples, the Hawaiian Islands are moving northwest about 4 inches a year and the Rocky Mountains are rising about 2 inches per year.

The recent news of a giant iceberg drifting towards Australia causes panic visions of flooding coastal cities. The news media should take a glass of ice cubes and fill it with water to show that it doesn’t change the volume of water as the cubes melt. We do that experiment all the time at home and in bars without having any panic of spilling.

The “State of Fear” by Michael Crichton is fiction about a global warming scam, but has a detailed factual bibliography on world weather for the last hundred years. Crichton summarizes that puny man cannot understand nor change the complexities that cause climate changes over millions of years.

@Copyright January, 2010 Don “LARCH” Loedding

(A Bark of LARCH)

Hi, guys! Well off on another Avon Skin-So-Soft sales call for the benefit of North Georgia Ridge Riders (hell, some of us even ride on top of the horses! Heh, heh, I saw Tim ‘Coon pushing his mare like it ran out of gas – he oughta sell some more computer stuff so he can buy another belt as his pants were down around his ankles !)

For this sales call, I wore a nice pink shirt, selected a nice pair of large flowery print Bermuda shorts (I hear they’re coming back), slipped on my hiking boots with the red tipped socks, and wore that Mexican hat with the band flowing in the breeze which I sent Pierrette to Cox’s when it was on sale as a “Seer Sucker Hat” (Tim and Jim still think she misunderstood and went to Sear’s instead).

As I popped out of my Truckee at Bubba’s Joint & Pool Hall, the parking lot was jammed full of the biggest goddamn motorcycles with all kinds of crazed looking men and gals with leathers, chains, helmets with crossbones and skulls, all holding axe handles and bicycle chains (must’ve been a big sale at Home Depot). The guys and some of the gals had meaner, foul smelling, scraggier beards than those midget Arabs in my last sales report on Hidden Valley Nudist Camp. Since they were all glaring at me, us sales types are great for initiating conversation and opening the sales prospects minds, so I said, “Sure got some nice looking Honda’s there “. Well you could’ve heard a pin drop, so to break the impasse, I passed a little gas – well, I actually farted, hell it was a 5 star flutter blast !

Well that started the introductions as several of the guys and gals started belching and farting (just like the good old Frat parties). There was Moose – must’ve weighed 300 lbs., Angel (meaner than shit and drooling), Slippery Dick (how do parents name their kids?), Axe Handle Man (sure did put a mean dent in my truck hood), Ass-Eyes (and he looked it), Rotten Crotch Annie (she was only 3 feet tall, had pistol grip ears and a concave recession on the top of her head – looks like it could hold a beer can) and Two Dogs-A-Fuckin (a Cherokee Indian gal, hadn’t had a bath in months but since all the flies gathered on her, it kept them off the rest of us).

With a couple of Skin-So-Soft bottles, I eased into Bubba’s Bar singing “Ding, Dong, Avon’s here”, but I tripped on the doorway and one bottle spilled on the floor which made it slicker than Owl shit ! Moose pushed me aside, slipped and fell right on his ass, coating his black leather jacket and leather pants with Skin-So-Soft. Ass-Eyes grabbed me and dropped me into a chair by a table and sat down with Rotten Crotch Annie. Being an adroit salesman, I saw the timing was perfect for small talk and saw a football game was on TV. So I said that Green Bay, Wisconsin, had nothing but football players and whores. Ass-Eyes grabbed me and said his girl friend, Rotten Crotch Annie, was from Green Bay, so I quickly asked her what position she played ! Slippery Dick then joined us and I guzzled beer like the biggees. I pulled Dick over and said that girl at the bar looks like she attracts men by wearing her ankles behind her ears; well, Slippery Dick’s eyes glazed over and said that’s his sister. Guess I blew that sale.

So I thought I’d join the group at the pool table, grabbed a cue stick and told them to rack the balls and I’d break. Thought I’d show off my pool skills as I rammed my cue stick back and felt the end hit something soft and fleshy; glancing back I saw Axe handle Man doubled over in pain, and as I tried to hit the cue ball being off balance, I scratched an 8 inch strip of green felt, hell, I even grooved the slate! Then Axe Handle Man said he would rack the balls now – mercy me, what he did with that cue stick; I still don’t walk straight! As I turned away I knocked the light out over the pool table with my cue stick so that ended the game.

Then I had to take a whiz like a race horse, so I moseyed into the men’s room. Well, Moose was standing at the urinal next to me and I was admiring his black leather jacket so I said, “You sure got a nice one”. Golly gee, he just slapped the living dog shit out of me, zipped up his pants and stormed out.

I eased up to the bar next to Ass-Eyes and grabbed a glass that looked like straight Evan Williams, so I downed that sucker – holy shit, I coughed and spit, eyes popping out, throat burned like a 3 alarm fire; but then I turned nonchalantly to Ass-Eyes and said that was smooth! He stared at me in disbelief for a minute and said that was his tobacco spit!

I decided it was time to end this sales call (cold calls never were my thing); and they all followed me out to my truck. Guess I made an impression as several lifted their fingers, which obviously meant that super salesman Don and Avon were #1, and several more, even the unfriendly gals, bared their rears to show how soft Avon can make even gnarled flesh.

Like that movie guy, Arnold what’s his name (talks funny), I threw out my scrawny chest, flexed my sagging breast – felt my nipples go hard – gee, it was exhilarating as I turned to them as I was walking away and said,” I’ll be back!” Lordy, lordy, I never in my born life saw such a flurry of activity with people scrambling over each other, half naked men and women with their pants around their ankles jumping on those god awesome bikes, roaring engines, spurring black smoke, throwing gravel, and flat ass hauling out of Bubba’s parking lot – hope I didn’t offend them with my remarks.

@Copyright May 1, 1992 Don “LARCH” Loedding

Thursday, June 17, 2010


No moratorium on offshore drilling. BP makes a scientific breakthrough for discovery and drilling oil 5,000 feet deep in the Gulf of Mexico in April, 2010. A gusher. And the oil, unassisted, keeps pouring out thousands of barrels. In January, 1901, a gusher oil well was drilled into a salt dome, Spindle Top, Texas. It produced 100,000 barrels a day, more than all the other oil wells combined in the United States. Galileo, with his absurd idea that the sun is the center of our universe, had been outcast by Christians.

20 year moratoriums of Gulf drilling have been in place since the early 1980’s thanks to the short sightedness of Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. Up until then the towns of southern Louisiana, like Houma, were bustling with exploration companies, well suppliers, and transportation contractors- boats, pipelines, storage facilities, aircraft. Full employment with excellent pay, motels filled, restaurants and bars packed. I was there in the fall of 1967 doing special projects with Texaco. The exploration companies’ employees couldn’t buy a drink nor a meal as their tables were full of drinks and food paid by well suppliers. When  workers rotated off their three week shifts on drilling platforms, it took them three days to get home while partaking of the nectar of the gods at the bars. With those moratoriums in the 1980’s, they became ghost towns. The exploration companies had their expensive risks of drilling and well platforms, dry holes were commonplace. The drillers and roughnecks have one of the top four casualty professions. But success and money talk. Then Congress eliminates the oil companies 27% depletion tax break to make drilling even more risky.

At least 44,000 people are killed in vehicle accidents in the United States every year and hundreds of thousands are injured. Do the politicians in Washington ban cars and trucks? When military and civilian airplanes crash, are planes grounded? These every day tragedies are tolerated as part of our culture. But when NASA with its high risk ventures into unforgiving space has some casualties (still safer than freeway traffic), future progress is delayed, momentum in engineering and  peoples’ talents is stalled. Politicians should not stop progress in science and engineering, areas in which  they are ignorant. Their chief concern is job protection, votes, campaign contributions, lobbyists bribes, wining and dining- the Washington social life.
The United States and the world energy requirements grow in an exponential manner. The United States has tremendous fossil fuel reserves in oil, oil shales, oil sands, and coal in developed and undeveloped areas. The continental shelves of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, and south of Key West to Cuba, to our federal limits, are begging to liberate crude oil. Green won’t hack it with solar, wind, and batteries to no more than 25% of our energy requirements.

Hurricanes will cleanse the Gulf shore. Both sea and land animals will migrate, procreate, and survive as they have done for millions of years. Some species will perish, some will genetically adapt, and new species will come forth as we see today. Oil, being organic from sea life, will breakdown with chemical weathering and munching bacteria.

The United States has not had a cohesive, comprehensive, long range energy program for over 60 years. It has been a knee jerk and reactive wet dream. My proposal, “National Energy Action”, is attached.

@Copyright June, 2010Don “LARCH” Loedding, Geologist, MBA